To give some background, I grew up a very lukewarm Roman Catholic; My dad went to church on Sundays, and my mother stayed home. I grew up knowing the Lord’s Prayer and knowing the moral truths outlined in the Sermon on the Mount. We went to church two times a year on Christmas and Easter, three if you count occasionally on Thanksgiving Day.
I entered a Catholic middle school and I believe that is where my questioning began. Keeping in mind the moral teachings of Jesus, my own personal “bible” was Meditations by Marcus Aurelius and the works of Epictetus; I thought that these were completely rational guides on how to live my life and whenever we prayed or received communion at church, I just did it all to “fit in” in fear of being reprimanded. As I went on in my adolescence, I was exposed to Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Leo Tolstoy, Albert Camus, and gained an interest in any kind of thinking that pointed to living a happy, virtuous, and wise life.
I did not formally become convinced of the possibility of the existence of God until I entered college. I began to read Plato’s dialogues, Aristotle’s Metaphysics, Nicomachean Ethics, and On the Soul, and found myself “converted” by reading Søren Kierkegaard, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Nikolai Berdyaev, Lev Shestov, Martin Buber, rereading Dostoyevsky, and becoming interested in the work of Ludwig Wittgenstein and William James. I became extremely interested in phenomenology, reading Edmund Husserl, Martin Heidegger, Max Scheler, and Edith Stein. I found myself engaged by Classical Chinese philosophy, with a particular interest in Confucianism and Daoism, and Indian philosophy, with an interest in Early Buddhism and the ideas found in The Upanishads, and became fascinated by the thought of the Kyoto School, mainly the work of Kitaro Nishida, Hajime Tanabe, and Keiji Nishitani.
My first go at a graduate program, which I did not complete, was at a Catholic school and minor seminary where I studied theology and Thomistic philosophy. My engagement with the prior thinkers continued, and I became formally acquainted with the works of St. Thomas Aquinas, paying special attention to his commentary on Nicomachean Ethics and his short work On Being and Essence, and became interested in the thought of the Lublin School of Thomism, namely, the works of Karol Wojtyla/John Paul II such as Person and Act, The Lublin Lectures, Considerations on the Essence of Man, and his dissertation on Scheler.
By this point, I tried to be a devout Catholic. I really tried. But ironically, the more I read all the prior thinkers, engaged with individuals like Meister Eckhart, Henry Suso, John Tauler, The Theologia Germanica (which was banned by the Catholic Church at one point), The Cloud of Unknowing, St. John of the Cross, and fluttered around with the idea of formal conversion to one of the Orthodox Churches, the less devout I grew. But this was not necessarily turning me back into an agnostic or bringing me into full-blown atheism. The less devout a Catholic I became, even though I was actually “playing pretend,” the deeper my faith became. I began to see that faith is a personal thing, that I have the capacity to actualize my free will through moral choices, and that I ultimately stand alone before God. Here and now, my faith is stronger than ever, and it is only because I engaged with these things and still do, aligning myself with Christian existentialism.
Kierkegaard said it plainly:
“Christendom has done away with Christianity, without being quite aware of it. The consequence is that, if anything is to be done, one must try again to introduce Christianity into Christendom.” - Soren Kirekegaard, Attack Upon Christendom
I think that a majority of Christians in the United States are, in fact, playing pretend, as I tried to do, and I do not fault them for it; Faith brings a sense of meaning, rituals bring a sense of community, the Bible brings about moral thinking. However, I think that a genuine form of Christianity will not thrive in Catholicism, amongst Protestants like Lutherans, Methodists, Anglicans, Presbyterians, or Baptists, and even amongst the Orthodox (who, in my opinion, are the most original in their practice and thinking). Christianity will thrive, bluntly put, without religion. This does not mean that one shouldn’t consider joining a church of some kind. That brings lots of good things as stated prior, but it should be totally up to you and you alone (I still flutter around with the idea of joining one of the Orthodox Churches).
Bonhoeffer writes the following:
“Are there religionless Christians? If religion is only a garment of Christianity–and even this garment has looked very different at different times–then what is a religionless Christianity?.. Religious man must therefore live in the godless world, without attempting to gloss over or explain its ungodliness in some religious way or other. He must live a ‘secular’ life, and thereby share in God’s sufferings. He may live a ‘secular’ life (as one who has been freed from false religious obligations and inhibitions). To be a Christian does not mean to be religious in a particular way, to make something of oneself (a sinner, a penitent, or a saint) on the basis of some method or other, but to be a man–not a type of man, but the man that Christ creates in us. It is not the religious act that makes the Christian, but participation in the sufferings of God in the secular life.” - Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Letters and Papers from Prison
Religious fundamentalists who equate secularism with atheism are wrong. Secularism is the separation of Church and state, religion and government. It allows the individual the total freedom to believe in what they want so long as it’s not hurting anyone. This, as I see it, is the future of human civilization. If we view Christianity as “Believe in X as the One, Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic Church” then Christianity will become unimportant in the West. If we view Christianity as an ontological change that happens in the human person through faith and living a life guided by truth, goodness, beauty, order, and virtue and avoiding vice or sin, then I truly think it will thrive.